#005 On mindfulness and the great reframe

I don’t know about you, but I can’t believe it is already mid-May. May is a big month in my household – my birthday, the Budget, my husband’s birthday, Mother’s Day, my eldest son’s birthday, the end of the uni semester, and Brother’s Day (as my 3 boys are all keen to celebrate – 24 May for those brothers reading!).

And with lots of activities, comes lots of busyness. And with lots of busyness usually comes stress, maybe tinged with a bit of anxiety, maybe also tinged with fraying tempers. And celebrating another year older also comes with extra ruminating and reflection.

I am participating in Mindful in May this year, and have managed to keep up a daily practice (only missing one day – Budget day, when I really should have just carved out 10 mins…). While it is useful to slow down every day and practice, I have found what has been the most useful is my ability to watch my thoughts and emotions and work to reframe my reactions to stressful situations and negative emotions.

A great example (or should I say examples, because this is not a one-off!) is when my 21 month old toddler wakes up at night.

I hate night wake ups.

 And so does my husband. It is almost a game, who can wait out the other person and be the one who doesn’t have to get out of bed in the dead of night. Usually we take it in turns, but sometimes we forget who’s turn it is. The other night I got up in a huff (it definitely wasn’t my turn), but as I sat in the rocking chair, snuggling my toddler back to sleep, I recalled one of the Mindful in May teachings about watching reactions and emotions.

A key way to reframe how we think about things (especially things we are not really that interested in doing) is to switch our thought pattern from ‘I have to’ to ‘I get to’.

So rather than ‘Ugh, I have to get up to rock my toddler to sleep, I am so tired and I don’t want to do this’, I reframed it to ‘I get to rock my toddler to sleep, how lucky am I that I have this beautiful third child who loves to snuggle with me!’

Now, hear me out. I know you are probably thinking ‘this is crazy talk, a simple reframe won’t change my negative emotions towards (insert boss/husband/child/dog/co-worker/cleaning/government policy here)’, but I encourage you to try it – at least for a couple of days. I have found it works, but I am the first to admit that it is a constant battle not to just react in the moment, but to internally reframe the situation and redirect how you react.

A mindfulness practice helps enormously with this. One of the key disciplines is attending to your thoughts – and labelling them as just that, thoughts. Recognising that we are not our thoughts and emotions, and that we have the power to reframe these has been one of the greatest benefits of meditation for me.

Reframing in the context of mindfulness is the deliberate practice of acknowledging and changing negative thoughts. This shift in perspective can change the way you view all of your negative experiences, including emotions, ideas, interactions, and events. Practice this skill enough, and studies show that you can rewire your brain.

In addition to thinking “I GET to”, there are many other great techniques to practice reframing.

Another magical three letter word is YET. Psychologist Carol Dweck is famous for her work on growth mindsets. She suggests that we add this tiny but mighty word to the end of our thoughts to turn them from a negative to a positive. For example

“I can’t apply for my dream job… yet”

“I can’t save money.. yet”

Or in my case “I can’t have a full night of sleep… yet”.

Which brings me to this month’s modern wellbeing experiment – reframing. If you are keen to embrace a growth mindset and see how powerful a reframing technique can be for you, I invite you to introduce GET and YET to your vernacular. Next time you have a negative experience, whether it be emotions, interactions, ideas, or events, watch your thoughts, take a deep breath, and tack a yet or get on to it. And if it works for you – share the idea or this post with someone else that needs reframing in their lives (and let’s face it, that means pretty much everyone!)

To complement the practices and teachings as part of Mindful in May, I have started reading Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu, which can be roughly translated to ‘The Book of the Way and How it Manifests Itself in the World’.  

Lao Tzu may have been an older contemporary of Confucius and is considered the founder of philosophical and religious Taoism. The book is part of my pre-reading for meditation teacher training, and I am enjoying reading a page or 2 a day – it is amazing how a text written around 400BC can still have such resonance to our modern wellbeing today.

I think the below passage speaks to our need to reframe and write a different story or mental model. While I can’t speak to the male experience, I think this is particularly important for women, as we juggle work and home life, some of us might have caring responsibilities for children or elderly parents, and some of us might need the reminder to think about how we reframe the role of women – at home, at work and in society.

Fill your bowl to the brim

and it will spill.

Keep sharpening your knife

and it will be blunt.

Chase after money and security

and your heart will never unclench.

Care about people’s approval

And you will be their prisoner.

Do your work, then step back.

The only path to serenity.

Be mindful, be well

Alicia

Further reading

What is a mindset and why it matters

Book - Carol Dweck – Mindset: the new psychology of success

Book - Lao Tzu – Tao Te Ching (translated by Stephen Mitchell)

EQ Minds – Three strategies to reframe thoughts